Something to bore me too sleep

Four-fifteen in the morning and I’m lying in bed, staring up, barely able to make out the popcorn bumps in the ceiling.
I could only guess how long I’ve been staring up there. Last I looked at the clock radio, it was just after three.
Another early morning of being awake. No, I didn’t have any caffeine after six. Nice and quiet outside, even the barky neighbor dogs are asleep. Nothing’s pressing at work. The car runs fine. The cat’s been fed and seems healthy. No one among my friends and family are having problems. We’re not broke. My husband loves me and his CPAP keeps him from snoring. I don’t even hear the CPAP.
I was awake like this the night before, same early hour. And the night before that. And any number of nights before that.
Why? Who knows?
Some nights I try counting forward or backward. I rub the cat, hoping her purr would lull me to sleep.
I pray, asking God to forgive some long-forgotten sin that’s been repressed in memory. I pray for peace. Peace comes, but not sleep.
Empty my mind? No, even after minutes of mindlessness, sleep won’t come.
This must be hereditary. Mom has talked about being wide awake at four in the morning. Nothing pressing on her mind. No problems with the house or the family or the world or the bed. She can’t sleep at four in the morning either. She said TV or reading helps her get back to sleep.
TV? Reading?
That would only wake up the husband.
“Is there anything wrong,” he asks, his voice gurgling through the water flowing from the CPAP. “You want to talk.”
He almost begs me to talk, to say what’s on my mind.
How should I know? I’m thinking about not being able to sleep.
I leave the bedroom, hoping to find something boring on TV. If I can’t get to sleep on the bed, I usually get to sleep on the couch. I slouch back, just about to nod off. The husband comes, asks me if I’m okay or did his CPAP keep me awake.
“If there’s anything wrong, let’s talk about it,” he says.
Nothing’s wrong, except not being able to sleep.
I say another prayer. This time I’m more specific.


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